Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
