i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
