4 words: hood of his car
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
