I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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