I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
