I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
