I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
