Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
