census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
