I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
