It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
