He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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