Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
