one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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