I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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