his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
