you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
