Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
