so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
