Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
