Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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