Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
