watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
