and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
