Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
