Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
