If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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