I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
