I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
