mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
