I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
