i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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