oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
