OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
