woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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