Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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