Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
