My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
