watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
