Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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