I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
