DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
