Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
