please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
