if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
