In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
