Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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