So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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