Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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