I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
