Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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