my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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